This isn't just Valentine's Day - this is an M&S Valentine's Day

The "dine in for" offers that supermarkets do can be amazing - and a decent way to cook up a quick meal if you're in a rush. So after seeing the adverts (a lot of chocolate pudding), I headed to Marks and Spencer's to sort out some dinner for Valentine's Day. What an error. So I thought I'd better drop them a line...

Dear M&S,

On Valentine's Day (and being a bit disorganised) I decided to go for your £20 meal deal. Looked like good value for money to me. The wine was lovely, but the main meal and side dish were an appalling let down.

I bought the herb-crusted rack of lamb. It wasn't so much herb-crusted, but with a layer of green sludge over it. And no, it wasn't my cooking (although sometimes I admit I have my moments). I followed the instructions on the "fresh chips" to the letter too - I mean how hard can it be to shove something in the oven? Within 10 minutes they were burnt - I think you have way over-estimated the temperature the oven needs to be at. If I had actually let them cook for the specified time, we would have been eating black twigs.

Very disappointing M&S. If it wasn't for the wine, Valentine's Day would have been a complete flop. Next time could you just do 4 bottles for £20 instead?

Sally Smith

A day later I received a very formal response involving food technologists and the offer of a refund. Who are these food technologists? I wonder if they tried the chips. It would have been quite a simple scientific test. Try the chips. It's not really a hardship. Who wouldn't want a job that involves trying chips? 

Dear Ms Smith

Thanks for your email about the Valentine's Dine In meal you bought from us recently. I’m sorry you were disappointed with the quality of the main meal and side dish you bought. 

We appreciate any customer feedback which will help us identify where we can still improve a product. It seems that, despite our rigorous quality controls with our supplier, we’ve not met expectations on this occasion.

I’d like to inform our Food technologists so they can investigate and take steps to make sure the highest standards are being met. Please take any available packaging and your receipt to the Food Information Desk in your local store. My colleagues there will be able to capture all the information from it so we can pass it on. They will, of course, also offer you a full refund. 

If you have any further queries, please don’t hesitate to contact us again. 

Please be aware this email is from a ‘no reply’ email address. If you would like to respond, please contact us via our website https://www.marksandspencer.com/contactus and we will be happy to assist you further. 

We’re keen to know what you thought of our reply. If you’d like to share any feedback, please let us know by clicking on the following link: www.mandssurvey.co.uk/493

Thanks again for taking the time to get in touch.

Kind Regards

Heather Cameron
Marks & Spencer Customer Services
Registered office: Waterside House, 35 North Wharf Road, London, W2 1 NW.
Registered Number: 214436 (England and Wales) 

VERDICT: I may get a refund. But I'm more intrigued about these food technologists. I wonder if you can hire them for parties. 

Love it or hate it!

In another story of 'You don't ask you don't get', I am on the blag. The email says it all. Just watch this space!

Dear Unilever,

On the 12th of July something spectacular is happening. What is that I hear you ask? Myself and my partner of 6 years, Bruce are getting married. About time too I hear you say! You should have got round to it before the twins came along.

So here's the dilemma. We're having a little do afterwards at our local village pub. You know, beers, chicken wings, a blues band, that kind of thing. In an attempt to funk the place up a bit we decided to make a few table decorations to reflect our loves. And Marmite is one of them.

So for the past few months, we've been eating lots and lots of Marmite, and saving the empty jars. In fact everyone has been eating lots and lots of Marmite. Our parents, our grandparents. Even the twins seem to have permanent sticky Marmite faces. But you know how long it takes to get through a single jar.

Anyway, I was wondering, (after my lifetime of loyal Marmite consumption), if you might have a few spare empty jars knocking about the place you could part with? Maybe then the twins could go back to honey on toast for a change!

Kind regards,

Sally


And this is the Marmite epic fail email I got back. I'm going to write directly to the factory next. 

Hello from Marmite Dear Sally, Thank you for your recent email. We only manufacture trial size samples of products for specific marketing activity, and unfortunately we don't currently have any available for this product. I'm sorry that I am unable to help you, but thank you for taking the time to contact us. Kind regards, Emanuela Ferrandes Careline Advisor

The Venus Razor and the great aunt's soap

Oh why do I get sucked into the special offers in Tesco? This time it was razor blades - possibly the most ridiculously expensive item ever. Seriously, why do they cost so much? Even reduced in cost, the Venus Pro Skin razor was still about four quid, and only included 2 refill blades. Daylight robbery. And here's the thing - it was rubbish. So I sent them a little email. 

Hi there,

I bought a Venus Pro Skin razor in Tesco this week. What a let down. I'm 33 years old and have been shaving my legs for over 20 years now. In fact I'd say I'm a bit of a dab hand at it by now. The Pro Skin razor made me feel like I was a novice again. The 2 giant bits of soap that you've welded either side of the blades make the razor unwieldy and difficult to use. Like an idiot, I even attempted to have a bit of a bikini trim with it. Let's just say it was a disaster.

Then I come to the soap. You know it smells unpleasant right? The cheap and nasty soap is like something my great aunt has had lying in a bowl in her bathroom for the past 8 years. She won it in a raffle (because nobody else wanted it). For the fairly expensive cost of the razors, how about buying some better soap? Soap that doesn't leave your skin smelling like great aunt.

So anyway, I'm very disappointed with the Pro-Skin. What a waste of money. Think I will be going back to the faithful Bic.

Sally Smith

It wasn't too long before I had a reply from Venus - less than 2 hours in fact. 

Hi Sally and thanks for your email.

I was sorry to read that recently you had a problem with your purchase of Venus ProSkin razor blades.

I have passed your comments onto our Quality Assurance Team to make them aware of this.  We pride ourselves on the products we make and really appreciate your feedback.  This will be used to ensure we continue to make products which meet your expectations.  I am sorry that on this occasion this was not the case.

We would love you to continue using our Venus products and I would like to send you a complimentary coupon to use against your next purchase. You could try the blades without gel bars, as all Venus cartridges are compatible with all Venus handles. Please send me a note of your full name and postal address so that I can arrange this.

Thank you for taking the time to write.  If you need any more help, please email us or call on (UK) 0800 3580696, (ROI) 1800 947654. 

Yaroslavna

Consumer Relations

Ah well, looks like I'm going to give Venus another try. Still, she didn't say anything about the smell of the horrific soap. 

Clarks Farce!

Our trip to Clarks to buy the my twins first shoes was insanely stressful this weekend. I was sadly even more excited about buying shoes for the boys than I would have been about buying shoes for myself! But what a let down? What has happened to the wonderful experience of visiting a shoe shop and actually having experienced and caring staff to look after your feet?


Hi there,

Buying your children's first shoes is meant to be a treasured experience. This is why I was so disappointed with our first trip to Clarks at Freeport. I took my 14 month old twins there on Sunday and felt quite upset by the experience. I was surprised at first that you don't have a member of staff to help you for a measly ten minutes. Instead you have a ludicrous system involving queuing for a ridiculously long time to get their feet measured by someone that won't help you any further.

After my boys feet were finally measured we looked at the shoes on offer and I wanted to ask if you had a particular brand in a certain size. I asked one of the shop staff who wasn't busy. She told me you had to get a ticket before quickly disappearing. When I find the ticket machine it has no tickets left in it. I explained this to the member of staff when she eventually reappeared, who went off to get me a ticket. Eventually our number was called but when I went to find the same member of staff I'd previously approached had called my number. But within 10 seconds of calling the number she had already moved on to help somebody else.

Trying on the shoes was no better. There was nowhere to sit down and we struggled putting shoes on the boys whilst sitting on the floor having people trying to get past us to look at the displays. The member of staff didn't really fill us with confidence as to whether the shoes fitted properly either.

Eventually we left with two pairs of shoes, no lovely feeling of pride, no first shoes photo and no desire to return to Clarks. I was very disappointed with the customer service we received. Buying your children's first shoes is meant to be special.

Sally Smith

This morning I received a reply from Clarks who are very unapologetic about the whole debacle.

Dear Miss Smith

Thank you for your email and I was sorry to learn of your disappointment with the service you received from the factory outlet in Braintree.

We do our best to choose friendly and efficient people to work in our shops and always train them in how to deal with customers and I'm sorry this was not the case.

May I explain that our factory outlets are run as two separate businesses and you will not get the same service you would as from our full price stores.

I have rung the store and spoke to Richard the manager, who was concerned to learn of your complaint. He has explained that on busy periods they do not use the ticket machine, but have two assistants with clip boards that explain the procedure. They will arrange to have the children measured and will also ask if you would like them fitted. If so they will hand you a ticket. Once you have found the shoes you require a fitter will fit them.

Richard has asked me to apologise if you were not aware of this, but they do have several signs in the store explaining this procedure.

May I also add that the factory outlets do not take photographs. If however you would like a more personal service and a photograph, then please visit your nearest full price Clarks store.

Thank you for taking the time to write to us and I do hope this incident has not deterred you from using our brand in the future.

Now in my opinion - no matter where the store or what kind of store it is, you should always receive the same level of customer service if the Clarks brand is attached to it. Clarks clearly don't see it that way. Result: Poor show by Clarks. Outcome: Next time I'm going to Startrite.

Dear Ms Murphy,

Thank you for your reply. I strongly feel that even if a store offers reduced priced items, they shouldn't offer a cut-price service. If a factory outlet is run as a separate business it is still under the brand of Clarks. That means that it shouldn't compromise on the quality of service. It's a shame that people that buy the Clarks products in your factory store are treated as cattle instead of valued customers.

Sally Smith

That's not my monkey!

Usborne do a great set of touchy-feely books for toddlers and babies that my twin boys are completely captivated by. There's lots in the range including "That's not my donkey" and the classic "That's not my robot". After many hours spent with my boys reading these, I started thinking about new titles that Usborne could bring out. I hope they like my suggestion!


Hi there,
My twin boys absolutely love your "that's not my..." touchy feely books. I wondered if you might consider bringing out some new ones for the parents. Maybe along the lines of
That's not my husband - his back is too hairy.
That's not my husband - his head is too shiny.
That's my husband! His belly is so squishy!

Kind regards,
Sally Smith

I left my ruder suggestions out of the email. I'm just hoping the marketing staff have a sense of humour!

Result: Didn't hear a dicky-bird from Usborne. They're clearly far too busy to reply to lowly book-buyers.

Tesco - Shirking Responsibility

Today it is supermarket giants Tesco that have failed to meet expectations. Not with dodgy produce or battery chickens. It just seems that nobody can take responsibility for a simple job to make shopping easier.

Last week I visited your Dunmow store with my twin baby boys. When I parked and went to get a trolley all of the twin trolleys were filthy. It was pouring with rain, so by the time I had used half a packet of wipes to clean the trolley I was soaked and the boys had started to get tetchy in the car. When I left I spoke to the lady on customer service about it and she said that she would get on the case straight away and ask someone to clean the trolleys.

Today I arrive at the store and the trolleys still haven't been cleaned. I had use more wipes to clean a trolley. They lady on customer service remembered me and said maybe I should email you because it wasn't the cleaners job to clean the trolleys. It wasn't her job to clean the trolleys. She couldn't get anyone to clean them.

Please could you help me on this matter? Taking twins to the supermarket is challenging enough as it is and I'm pretty sure it's not my job to make sure the child seats aren't disgustingly filthy.

Many thanks.

Now from experience I know that Tesco are usually pretty swift at replying to emails. But will it mean I get a clean trolley next time I go shopping? I hope it's not too much to ask for.

Three days after my email I get a telephone call from Tesco who said that if I need a trolley cleaned then I can go in the store and ask when I get there. So this is how it goes - I arrive at Tesco, take the twins out of the car put them in their pram, go into the store, queue up to ask about a trolley. Wait. Someone cleans the trolley. I take the trolley back to the car, put the twins in it, put the pushchair back in the boot, then finally do the shopping. I can guarantee that will add half an hour to my trip. What a crock. Tesco - EPIC FAIL.

Chocolate Kittens and Puppies

My friend Sally told me once about the time she wrote to Lindt to ask them if they would produce chocolate Bedford Vans instead of chocolate kittens and puppies. Little ones I think, not real size ones. Anyway this was in the 1980s and I understand there was beer involved. My friend said she got a rather imaginative reply about how they'd love to make chocolate vans, chocolate trucks, chocolate cars and other forms of transport but sadly they weren't allowed. This got me wondering though - whatever happened to the kittens and puppies?


Dear Lindt,

My friend told me in the pub the other night that you used to sell chocolate kittens and puppies. Having a concern about animal welfare, I wanted to check what happened to them, especially as I know you have an awful lot of bunnies in your care. Did the kittens and puppies get taken to the chocolate RSPCA?

I also wondered if you had considered any other animals? Owls are quite in these days. Mind you personally I feel that foxes are the new owls, although probably not cute enough for you, what with their urban lifestyle and penchant for raiding litter bins.

Regards,

Sally

Auto reply says they're out of the office until 7th September...

RESULT: Lindt sent me a lovely letter which I will have to scan in. They didn't send me any chocolate though.
CUSTOMER SERVICE POINTS: EIGHT.