Old El Paso

Dear Old El Paso,

Have you ever seen Spinal Tap? There's a scene in it when one of the band members is struggling to get the right ratio between meat and cracker. I have a similar problem with your Enchilada dinner kit.

Here's the issue: I've found, the ultimate sauce/chicken ratio is 1.5 chicken breasts to 1 sachet of tomato sauce, mixed with 15g of your spice mix. This makes 2 perfect enchiladas with the right amount of sauce to soak into the tortillas. I can then save the rest of the tomato sauce and spices for another night of faux-Mexican goodness. What I'm left with however is a spare 4 tortillas. And then there are the sad occasions when the packets of spice mix are short-changed and don't contain enough spices. Do I buy 2 boxes of your Enchilada dinner kit, taking some of the spice mix from the new box, then again not having enough the next time round? This then would leave me with 8 spare tortillas, no tomato sauce and not enough spice mix. I'm not prepared either to buy your jarred Enchilada sauce to add to my dinner kit – it's just not the same.

Please help me. I just can't solve my enchilada dilemma!

Sally

P.S. If you haven't seen Spinal Tap, I suggest you do. Then you may fully understand the extent of my meal-time problem.

Less than a week later I get a reply from Old El Paso - a lovely stock letter, not addressing the ratio issue at all. However the letter did have a nice £5 voucher attached to it. This time I went for the Fajitas box. Verdict: My dilemma is still unsolved. I doubt they care though. 

This isn't just Valentine's Day - this is an M&S Valentine's Day

The "dine in for" offers that supermarkets do can be amazing - and a decent way to cook up a quick meal if you're in a rush. So after seeing the adverts (a lot of chocolate pudding), I headed to Marks and Spencer's to sort out some dinner for Valentine's Day. What an error. So I thought I'd better drop them a line...

Dear M&S,

On Valentine's Day (and being a bit disorganised) I decided to go for your £20 meal deal. Looked like good value for money to me. The wine was lovely, but the main meal and side dish were an appalling let down.

I bought the herb-crusted rack of lamb. It wasn't so much herb-crusted, but with a layer of green sludge over it. And no, it wasn't my cooking (although sometimes I admit I have my moments). I followed the instructions on the "fresh chips" to the letter too - I mean how hard can it be to shove something in the oven? Within 10 minutes they were burnt - I think you have way over-estimated the temperature the oven needs to be at. If I had actually let them cook for the specified time, we would have been eating black twigs.

Very disappointing M&S. If it wasn't for the wine, Valentine's Day would have been a complete flop. Next time could you just do 4 bottles for £20 instead?

Sally Smith

A day later I received a very formal response involving food technologists and the offer of a refund. Who are these food technologists? I wonder if they tried the chips. It would have been quite a simple scientific test. Try the chips. It's not really a hardship. Who wouldn't want a job that involves trying chips? 

Dear Ms Smith

Thanks for your email about the Valentine's Dine In meal you bought from us recently. I’m sorry you were disappointed with the quality of the main meal and side dish you bought. 

We appreciate any customer feedback which will help us identify where we can still improve a product. It seems that, despite our rigorous quality controls with our supplier, we’ve not met expectations on this occasion.

I’d like to inform our Food technologists so they can investigate and take steps to make sure the highest standards are being met. Please take any available packaging and your receipt to the Food Information Desk in your local store. My colleagues there will be able to capture all the information from it so we can pass it on. They will, of course, also offer you a full refund. 

If you have any further queries, please don’t hesitate to contact us again. 

Please be aware this email is from a ‘no reply’ email address. If you would like to respond, please contact us via our website https://www.marksandspencer.com/contactus and we will be happy to assist you further. 

We’re keen to know what you thought of our reply. If you’d like to share any feedback, please let us know by clicking on the following link: www.mandssurvey.co.uk/493

Thanks again for taking the time to get in touch.

Kind Regards

Heather Cameron
Marks & Spencer Customer Services
Registered office: Waterside House, 35 North Wharf Road, London, W2 1 NW.
Registered Number: 214436 (England and Wales) 

VERDICT: I may get a refund. But I'm more intrigued about these food technologists. I wonder if you can hire them for parties. 

Love it or hate it!

In another story of 'You don't ask you don't get', I am on the blag. The email says it all. Just watch this space!

Dear Unilever,

On the 12th of July something spectacular is happening. What is that I hear you ask? Myself and my partner of 6 years, Bruce are getting married. About time too I hear you say! You should have got round to it before the twins came along.

So here's the dilemma. We're having a little do afterwards at our local village pub. You know, beers, chicken wings, a blues band, that kind of thing. In an attempt to funk the place up a bit we decided to make a few table decorations to reflect our loves. And Marmite is one of them.

So for the past few months, we've been eating lots and lots of Marmite, and saving the empty jars. In fact everyone has been eating lots and lots of Marmite. Our parents, our grandparents. Even the twins seem to have permanent sticky Marmite faces. But you know how long it takes to get through a single jar.

Anyway, I was wondering, (after my lifetime of loyal Marmite consumption), if you might have a few spare empty jars knocking about the place you could part with? Maybe then the twins could go back to honey on toast for a change!

Kind regards,

Sally


And this is the Marmite epic fail email I got back. I'm going to write directly to the factory next. 

Hello from Marmite Dear Sally, Thank you for your recent email. We only manufacture trial size samples of products for specific marketing activity, and unfortunately we don't currently have any available for this product. I'm sorry that I am unable to help you, but thank you for taking the time to contact us. Kind regards, Emanuela Ferrandes Careline Advisor

Stirchley Bacon

Some companies just have no respect and no idea. I mean how can you get bacon wrong? First things first - how many rashers do you need to make a good sandwich? The correct answer is three. Any seasoned sarnie-eater knows this. Second, what's the best bit of a rasher of bacon? The crispy end bits. Poo to you Stirchley Bacon.

I buy your bacon at our village shop. Today I popped up there to get
some. When I opened the packet, I found you'd cut the ends of all the
rashers off - the best bit! I feel quite aggrieved about it. Five
rashers in a packet difficult enough to split between two bacon
sandwiches, but to find we have been deprived of the loveliest part of
the rashers is quite unnacceptable. Please could you let me know if you
are planning to change this (or at least send me the bits I'm missing)?

Many thanks

Sally Smith

Well rather than getting a reply, I get CC'd into this email.

Bob,

I give you all the best jobs,

Can you do a pr job and reply to this lady please

Good luck!


Natalie Pollard
Managing Director

Stirchley Bacon Company Limited
Unit 36 - 37 Crossgate Road
Park Farm Industrial Estate
Redditch
B98 7SN



Well that was 7th Jan 2010. A year and a half ago. About time I followed it up I thought.


Hi there,

I was just going through my old emails and wondered what happened to Bob? I hope he didn't get sick from eating all the end bits of the bacon.

Regards,

Sally Smith

RESULT: NO REPLY
CUSTOMER SERVICE POINTS: ZERO. And their bacon is crappy.